Pleasant week that wasn't quite

Just sharing a little, since I keep swearing I'm going to post more often and then not quite managing to post more often (sigh). Despite weather in NJ that warmed to lovely springlike temperatures (before a predicted frosty, snowy, sleety weekend) and a professional event that pulled away most of my office colleagues (wearing jeans to work--yay!), this week has been a tense one for me.

I have reasons for my stress, but it occurs to me that life is going reasonably well (knocking wood). So I was wondering to myself why events that aren't really more stressful than usual seem to be putting me quite more out of sorts than usual. And a possible conclusion came to me while I was explaining my seeming ambivalence about spring to a friend. On one hand, I love the extended sunshine, going out with only a light (or no) jacket, and the smell of damp newness that greets spring in the NE United States. But I frequently find myself tensing at the advent of warm breezes and rebirth that spring signals.

Why? I think it's because spring also means the end of winter, and the end of a kind of social hibernation I allow myself in winter. When in winter I think something like, "Do I actually want to apply for a PhD program? Do I have that kind of stamina?" or "Wow, car's getting old---I really should start looking around for a new one." I almost-automatically smother the questions with decision not to decide....till spring. After all, winter appointments with faculty, to investigate the possibility more, might need to be cancelled because of bad weather. And no one wants to truck from car dealer to car dealer in frigid temps, in and out of cold cars, no opportunity to run the air conditioner (without risking frostbite). Besides, in winter I have the holidays and then a series of family birthdays to worry about.

"No, I'll wait till spring to think about it," I tell myself, confident that when spring finally comes I'll feel that much more capable. In spring---when my heat isn't constantly running and I'm worried about how much that bill will be, and I'm fretting about buying a new car in bad weather, and the short days drive me inside where I can surround myself with light (if artificial) and cats for comfort---I'll be ready to bloom with the rest of the world. Spring cleaning will be a welcome task and I'll charge ahead with renewed vigor!

Except....except...this year that renewed vigor seems a bit slow in coming. When I was a kid, I always thought that butterflys must just love breaking out of their cocoons, spreading newly grown wings and achieving flight for the first time. My wings are hardly fledgling, but I guess flinging yourself in the air is always a bit scary. But I'm trying to take a lesson from the season, and take joy (rather than worry) about the wealth of possibilities I seem to be facing now.

That, and I'm going to try to spin more.